Recognising the Signs
Children who are being bullied don't always tell you directly. Instead, they may show changes in behaviour. Watch for:
- Not wanting to go to school — especially if they previously enjoyed it
- Coming home with damaged belongings or "losing" items frequently
- Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Becoming withdrawn, anxious, or tearful
- Unexplained physical complaints — headaches, stomach aches
- A drop in academic performance
- Changes in friendship groups — suddenly having no friends, or being excluded
- Becoming aggressive or angry at home
- Reluctance to talk about school
Not all of these signs indicate bullying — they could reflect other issues. But if you notice a pattern, it's worth investigating.
Talking to Your Child
If you suspect bullying, resist the urge to immediately contact the school. Start by talking to your child.
How to Open the Conversation
- Choose a calm, private moment — not immediately after school when emotions are high
- Use open-ended questions: "Tell me about your day" rather than "Were you bullied today?"
- Listen more than you speak
- Validate their feelings: "That sounds really difficult" or "I can understand why you're upset"
- Don't promise to fix it immediately — say "Let's work this out together"
What NOT to Say
- "Just ignore them" — this dismisses their experience
- "Hit them back" — this escalates the situation and may get your child in trouble
- "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" — this creates guilt
- "You need to toughen up" — this shames them
What Children Need to Hear
- "It's not your fault"
- "I believe you"
- "Thank you for telling me — that was brave"
- "We're going to work on this together"
Understanding Types of Bullying
Bullying is defined as behaviour that is repeated, intended to hurt, and involves an imbalance of power. It includes:
- Physical — hitting, pushing, taking belongings
- Verbal — name-calling, offensive comments, threats
- Social/relational — exclusion, spreading rumours, manipulating friendships
- Cyberbullying — online harassment, sharing images without consent, exclusion from group chats
All schools are legally required to have an anti-bullying policy. You can usually find this on the school's website.
Working with the School
Step 1: Document Everything
Before approaching the school, write down:
- What happened (be specific about incidents, dates, times, locations)
- Who was involved
- How your child was affected
- Any evidence (screenshots, messages, etc.)
Step 2: Contact the Class Teacher / Form Tutor
Start with your child's teacher. Request a private meeting (not a quick word at the school gate). Share your concerns calmly and specifically.
Step 3: Follow Up in Writing
After the meeting, send an email summarising what was discussed and what actions were agreed. This creates a paper trail.
Step 4: Allow Time for the School to Act
Schools need time to investigate and respond. A reasonable timeframe is 1-2 weeks. Ask the school when you can expect an update.
Step 5: Escalate If Needed
If the situation doesn't improve:
- Meet with the head teacher or deputy head
- Write a formal complaint following the school's complaints procedure
- Contact the Chair of Governors
- If the school is an academy, contact the trust's CEO
- As a last resort, contact Ofsted or the Department for Education
Supporting Your Child
While working with the school, there's a lot you can do at home:
- Build their confidence — encourage activities outside school where they feel competent and valued
- Teach coping strategies — role-play responses, practise assertive body language
- Maintain routines — stability helps when other things feel uncertain
- Stay connected — keep talking, keep listening
- Consider professional support — if anxiety or low mood persists, speak to your GP about a referral for counselling
When to Consider Moving Schools
Moving schools should be a last resort, not a first response. But it may be the right choice if:
- The school has failed to address the bullying despite your efforts
- Your child's mental health is seriously affected
- The school culture appears to tolerate or normalise bullying
- Your child is asking to move and has thought it through
If you do move, frame it positively as a "fresh start" rather than running away.
Useful Resources
- Anti-Bullying Alliance
- Kidscape — helpline: 020 7823 5430
- Childline — 0800 1111 (free, confidential)
- Young Minds — mental health support for children
- GOV.UK guidance on bullying
- Internet Matters — cyberbullying support
Bullying is never acceptable, and no child should feel that they have to tolerate it. If you're struggling with this, you're not alone — and there is help available.