Recognising the Signs
Children who are being bullied don't always tell you directly. Instead, they may show changes in behaviour. Watch for:
- Not wanting to go to school: especially if they previously enjoyed it
- Coming home with damaged belongings or "losing" items frequently
- Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Becoming withdrawn, anxious, or tearful
- Unexplained physical complaints: headaches, stomach aches
- A drop in academic performance
- Changes in friendship groups: suddenly having no friends, or being excluded
- Becoming aggressive or angry at home
- Reluctance to talk about school
Not all of these signs indicate bullying, they could reflect other issues. But if you notice a pattern, it's worth investigating.
Talking to Your Child
If you suspect bullying, resist the urge to immediately contact the school. Start by talking to your child.
How to Open the Conversation
- Choose a calm, private moment, not immediately after school when emotions are high
- Use open-ended questions: "Tell me about your day" rather than "Were you bullied today?"
- Listen more than you speak
- Validate their feelings: "That sounds really difficult" or "I can understand why you're upset"
- Don't promise to fix it immediately, say "Let's work this out together"
What NOT to Say
- "Just ignore them", this dismisses their experience
- "Hit them back", this escalates the situation and may get your child in trouble
- "Why didn't you tell me sooner?", this creates guilt
- "You need to toughen up", this shames them
What Children Need to Hear
- "It's not your fault"
- "I believe you"
- "Thank you for telling me, that was brave"
- "We're going to work on this together"
Understanding Types of Bullying
Bullying is defined as behaviour that is repeated, intended to hurt, and involves an imbalance of power. It includes:
- Physical: hitting, pushing, taking belongings
- Verbal: name-calling, offensive comments, threats
- Social/relational: exclusion, spreading rumours, manipulating friendships
- Cyberbullying: online harassment, sharing images without consent, exclusion from group chats
All schools are legally required to have an anti-bullying policy. You can usually find this on the school's website.
Working with the School
Step 1: Document Everything
Before approaching the school, write down:
- What happened (be specific about incidents, dates, times, locations)
- Who was involved
- How your child was affected
- Any evidence (screenshots, messages, etc.)
Step 2: Contact the Class Teacher / Form Tutor
Start with your child's teacher. Request a private meeting (not a quick word at the school gate). Share your concerns calmly and specifically.
Step 3: Follow Up in Writing
After the meeting, send an email summarising what was discussed and what actions were agreed. This creates a paper trail.
Step 4: Allow Time for the School to Act
Schools need time to investigate and respond. A reasonable timeframe is 1-2 weeks. Ask the school when you can expect an update.
Step 5: Escalate If Needed
If the situation doesn't improve:
- Meet with the head teacher or deputy head
- Write a formal complaint following the school's complaints procedure
- Contact the Chair of Governors
- If the school is an academy, contact the trust's CEO
- As a last resort, contact Ofsted or the Department for Education
Supporting Your Child
While working with the school, there's a lot you can do at home:
- Build their confidence: encourage activities outside school where they feel competent and valued
- Teach coping strategies: role-play responses, practise assertive body language
- Maintain routines: stability helps when other things feel uncertain
- Stay connected: keep talking, keep listening
- Consider professional support: if anxiety or low mood persists, speak to your GP about a referral for counselling
When to Consider Moving Schools
Moving schools should be a last resort, not a first response. But it may be the right choice if:
- The school has failed to address the bullying despite your efforts
- Your child's mental health is seriously affected
- The school culture appears to tolerate or normalise bullying
- Your child is asking to move and has thought it through
If you do move, frame it positively as a "fresh start" rather than running away.
Useful Resources
- Anti-Bullying Alliance
- Kidscape, helpline: 020 7823 5430
- Childline, 0800 1111 (free, confidential)
- Young Minds, mental health support for children
- GOV.UK guidance on bullying
- Internet Matters, cyberbullying support
Bullying is never acceptable, and no child should feel that they have to tolerate it. If you're struggling with this, you're not alone, and there is help available.